The Story of Job, as retold by Tai. With NO apologies. *

"1 There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God, and turned away from evil. 2 There were born to him seven sons and three daughters. 3 He had seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she-asses, and very many servants; so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east."

And that’s were it all began to go seriously wrong.

So, God and Lucifer were chilling out at God’s crib when Lucifer pulled God aside and suggested a bet.
“Hey, big ‘G’,” Lucifer grinned a pointy grin, “What say you and I have a wager, a little joke on Job, say.”

“Oh, I don’t know…I like Job. He does exactly what he’s supposed to and he’s really quite obsequious. I like that.”

“That’s only because you give him everything he wants,” Lucifer pointed out, “You let me have a little fun with him, and I swear, ‘he will curse thee to thy face’."

“You really think so? Well, okay. Off you go. But I just don’t believe it!” So God sent Lucifer off to turn some nasty tricks on poor unsuspecting Job.

The next thing Job knows, ALL of his she-asses, camels, oxen, sheep AND servants were all slain.
Gone.
'Smote' even.
And that's not to mention every single one of his kids annihilated.
But Job didn’t get mad, oh no, he didn’t even flinch!
He just prayed to God and said, “Thanks God…I didn’t need all that stuff anyway.”

God laughed and laughed at Lucifer…”I told you! I told you! Job totally rocks. There’s no WAY he’d ever be pissed off with me.”

“Humph. Well obviously I went easy on him. Let’s have another go, shall we? I know, I’ll scourge his flesh or something. That’ll annoy him.

“Oh, fine. Just don’t kill him. I like Job.” God sighed and waved Lucifer away.

So Lucifer went back down to Job’s place and inflicted some loathsome little sores on him from head to toe.
Not to mention the running scabs.
Even Job’s wife was like, “Wow, God must really be choked with you. You should totally renounce him.”

Job just wept a little, cursed his wife and sat on some ashes.
His friends eventually showed up, and even they didn't know what to say.
They didn’t offer any help or anything, but there was a lot of rending of garments and weeping.

Well, then Job SNAPPED!
That was it. He was finally totally pissed off.
“God, you SUCK! What did I ever do to you? C’mon, look at me. My whole family is dead. I’m like, totally unattractive to my wife and friends. Geez! I’ve had it. I hereby renounce you.” He yelled, shaking his scabby fist in the air.

Actually, he went on and on and on about his ‘groanings pouring out like water’, and ‘longing for death that doesn’t come’. Really quite pitiful, but you could hardly blame the guy, really.
I mean, look at what happened!
And, to quote Job a little further, “My flesh is clothed with worms and dirt; my skin hardens, then breaks out afresh.”
Eew.

So after a while of this, God finally tunes in to what’s going on, (thanks to Lucifer’s strutting around saying, “Who’s your DADDY!?! WHO’S yo’ DADDY!!” **), and WOW, was God ever choked.

Meanwhile, Job was still complaining when God showed up, full fury.
“HEY! YOU!” He yelled at Job, “Who do you think you ARE!?!”
Job looked up and freaked out, “Oh, uh...God, it’s you! Uh…uh...”
“Yeah, I heard you whining away down here, and I’m not very happy about it. I mean, seriously Job. I AM God. And you’re not. What do you think you're doing, talkin' smack about me?!”

“Well, I hate to be pedantic, but look what happened to me!!” Job rolled around in the ashes a bit to re affirm his current and unpleasant lot in life.
“I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.” He continued, just in case God missed the point.

God proceeded to yell at Job for a while, about Ostriches, "The wings of the ostrich wave proudly; but are they the pinions and plumage of love? For she leaves her eggs to the earth, and lets them be warmed on the ground, forgetting that a foot may crush them, and that the wild beast may trample them. She deals cruelly with her young, as if they were not hers; though her labor be in vain, yet she has no fear; because God has made her forget wisdom, and given her no share in understanding. When she rouses herself to flee, she laughs at the horse and his rider.”

Job didn’t really get the point of that, but he didn’t fail to get it that God was royally annoyed with him, and he’d better make peace, ‘cus when God starts talking about opening a can of whoop ass on you, you’d better make your apologies, and right quick.

"I know that thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of thine can be thwarted. Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
Basically, Job just completely did a full recant on the “I hate my life,” and was being his old obsequious self.
Which pleased God a lot, because he gave Job more oxen and camels and servants than he ever had before.
Not to mention a new and improved family!
Oh, and then Job got to live to the ripe old age of one hundred and forty years old.

The moral of the story?

Fawning sycophant...it's the only way to go!






*In fact, I even RESEARCHED this stuff! All italicized quotes are taken directly from 'The Source'. (just in case you were curious!)
You should look up the story of Job yourself, you'll that see my version is much more entertaining!
Here, go have some fun finding my quotes!
http://eawc.evansville.edu/anthology/job.htm

** okay, that's not a legit quote, but it's damn funny (see first asterix)