I'm a generally amiable person.
I rather pride myself on being able to talk to anyone about anything at anytime.
In fact, I volunteered for several years at the crisis centre in my community; I like to think that experience gives me a little bit of an edge when talking to people.
Several hours a day I used to spend listening to complete strangers reveal themselves to me over the anonymity of the phone line; they sought help and solace and occasionally (oddly) recipes for mashed potatoes.
Nonetheless.
I do on occasion find it incredibly difficult to talk to some people.
So, here's a fine example of a conversation that I was completely unprepared for.
I work infrequently with a woman of indeterminate age (though I believe her to be in her 40's), who shared with me some of the most disturbing things as I tarried away in my cubicle the other day.
"Yeah, so my mom was named really good. Her name is 'Rita E-- GLADYS B---', cus her ASS is sure GLAD whenever there's a Tom Dick or Harry around. Get it? GLAD ASS. She was whatya call the 'town pump'."
I'm sure my eyes widened considerably at the announcement, because she proceeded happily. "Oh yeah. I caught her and the Fuller Brush man goin' at it in the car out by the shed when I was 12. Yup, then I went in and told my little sister so she went out and watched. Boy, did I ever get a beating for that one!"
"Fuller Brush man...oh." I squeaked out.
"Oh yeah. But it got really good when my Dad came home smellin' of some one else's perfume...and it sure in hell wasn't mom's, 'cus she didn't were none. And covered in lipstick. And that was Christmas."
"That's too bad. What a sad Christmas for you." I looked around cautiously, wondering who else was being regaled with these tales.
"Yeah. 'course, I always got the shit beat outta me. Both mom and dad, all they ever had was fists for me. Sometimes my older brother would try and pull them off, but that's only so's he could get a couple ones in there." She stopped for a breath ~or perhaps it was for dramatic pause?
"I guess the worst was being locked in the root cellar for 10 days around that Christmas. See, they didn't want me around to have presents or nothin' so they locked me down there."
I had to presume that 'they' meant her entire family.
"All I had down there was some salamanders to watch explode."
The questioning look on my face goaded her on.
"Well, 'cus salamanders don't have any salt in them so you sprinkle them with salt and they kind of explode."
"You were killing things to pass the time?" I queried, not very kindly I will admit.
"What else was I gonna do? There weren't nothin' else to do down there."
For once I was completely at a loss for words.
Flabbergasted might be a worthy descriptor to use in this instance.
But how does one respond to such statements?
Do you engage in a long probing conversation to plumb the depths of the dysfunction? Ask searching questions to determine to extent of her trauma?
Not possible!
This was my (and her) place of employment!
Then, as quickly as she came in the room and 'shared' herself, she left again.
And I still don't know what to say! *
*Besides of course..."Why me!?!"
I don't mean to sound callous...her life sounds so sad.
But I think I'm safe in saying that I don't believe her difficult/abusive childhood needs to be shouted across an office space to a relative stranger.
No matter HOW congenial I appear!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
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26 comments:
Ai-yah....
And I thought *I* was disturbed when a co-worker shared some family history with me the other day...but what I heard was nowhere as detailed and, um had no salamanders or Fuller Brush men in the content.
Eeee....
What can one do but nod sympathetically and make compassionate noises WITHOUT digging up the whole kettle of worms?
You ARE a good listener though.
Sorry to inform you that I will no longer be visiting the blogs that Grant has a habit of visiting.
No doubt they were a product of the way they were raised....and then decided to *stay* that way. I am sure all of us could tell stories on our parents - but what a person evolves into after adulthood is completely their own responsibility! In my neck of the woods, we call 'em "hicks"
I wonder if your reaction made her think at all...
I’m with you, I’d have no clue what to say to that. That would be super awkward.
You must exude the "counselor" vibe. There are certain people that just seem to attract others and make it easy for them to dump this kind of stuff on you.
It's draining, I'm sure.
Tell me about the salamanders, Clarice...
Wow. That's a crazy story...some people just want to get stuff out...and I guess you're a good listener...
Let me tell you about this one time when...Oh never mind...You've been through enough...
Don't let 'em get you down, Tai!
Take care out there!
Your Pal,
Zambo.
I donno. ( English accent.) My heart always goes out to the damaged kid who didn't grow up.
Funny though. Your post re the woman's behaviour brings to mind the 'vent your spleen' blogs we keep getting. Some people open blogs anonymously just to carry on about their salamanders and etc. They write anonymously, so why? One's eyes open wide. Then anonymous people respond saying o "yes", "goodness I know", and you think well why is she telling you then?
And why are you listening?
:0)
Flabergasted is indeed a good word for this moment in your life. I'm flabergasted and I only read about it. Nodding and noncommittal noises ~ also good. Exploding salamanders ~ not so good.
Ugh. I work with your co-worker's twin! On and on with the raving about stuff you don't dare respond to...for fear of encouraging more!
I'd taken to dining in my own cubicle for lunch, to get a break from her, but she found me out and parks herself on my floor for 1/2 hour til I want to hang myself!
You're not callous. Sometimes you just have to filter out those that are not constructive in your life (workplace)...for your own sanity.
What a really odd conversation.
I think she is in need of psychological help. Her story sounds a little fabricated to say the least, and to my knowledge putting salt on salamanders might make them uncomfortable but certainly not cause them to explode. (there is a seagull myth floating about which says that if you feed an alka seltzer to a seagull it will explode)
Is it too late to pretend you don't speak English? "Watashi wa Nihon-jin desu."
I think all you can do in those cases is just smile and nod until she goes away, unless you have some sob stories of your own you can contribute.
AACK. Thanks for sharing that! If she grew up to adulthood and found gainful employment, than my own parenting can't be THAT bad! And just for the record, you are an EXCELLENT listener, so I guess that is a hazard
Maybe I am just too cynical for my own good... but I would have had a very hard time believing this woman was sincere! There were just too many things about this conversation that seemed "off" to me....
Ohhh good lord!
What a nut...what a nut.
It's one thing to have had a horrid childhood,it's another to go on about it in that manner,ugh*shudder*
I must admit...I have my doubts about the tale(s) too.
But it's still the strangest thing just to toss out there for general public consumption, true or not!
Very, very, very strange.
Well, let me tell you about my family....
Kidding.
Why, that's almost like being an addictions counsellor, except there you're paid to listen, so you have to. But, I guess the Gerry Springer people really are out there. All I think when I hear tales like this is: "Holy fuck, I'm so happy I'm not you." Great short story, though, Tai.
Oh my!
EEP. There are days that I'm glad I sort of exude a cold-hearted vibe. :)
Great story! Every time you see her you must run the other way now!
Nod and "mmm-hmmm" and think of it all as material, honey.
Oh, your right Hamel...no question.
I didn't tell this to minimalize or laugh...I told it because it was so disturbing and I felt so powerless.
And, honestly, I couldn't begin to help her.
I didn't know what to say...what to offer to her.
Part of me feels that somehow what she said was too extreme; but I know (sadly) that situations like hers occur.
But I was truly baffled that she was offering this out in such a public and naked manner.
Again...I still don't know what to say.
What a wonderful post.
I have a feeling that these conversations occur more and more. My parents wouldn't have engaged in these relationships, but I have been told some really scary stuff just because I have "kind ears."
fascinating post. What an odd bird that lady was! Bizarre!
I recently was a bartender/manager/owner and you would be suprised (or maybe you wouldn't) what people will tell you at 8 in the morning when they are half in the bag...at least I could shut them off and send them on their way...
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