Main Entry: spin·ster
Pronunciation: 'spin(t)-st&r
Function: noun
1 : a woman whose occupation is to spin - Uh, right. Not so much.
2 a archaic : an unmarried woman of gentle family b : Here we go...an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying
Today at work I overheard a conversation that my co-workers were having which just happened to be peppered with my name.
Strolling over to them I said, "Gosh, I can't help but rush over and wonder why my name is being bandied about so freely!"
My co-worker (who is 23 and has a grand sense of humour) was talking to our other co-worker (a 52 year old man whom I also like) about family and children and life in general.
She replied, holding her hand up in the air, "All I said to Rick was (and no offense to you Tai) that if I get to age 33 and I am not married with children, I'll probably kill myself. No offense to you!" She repeated hurriedly, glancingly quickly at me trying to gauge my reaction.
"Ahem. Right. Kill yourself. Doesn't that seem a little drastic to you?" I sputtered.
"I want to have babies though...I want to be married. If I don't do that before I'm 30 I don't know what I'll do."
"Off yourself, apparently." I muttered under my breath as I walked back to my cubicle.
I couldn't chastise her; being married and having a family is very important to her.
And of course, there's nothing wrong with that.
But please bear in mind; if I had said, "If I ever get married and have children I'd have to kill myself" it would've elicited a very different response.
(In fact, I can hear the recommendation for psychiatric assessment echoing in my ears right now!)
But I just HAVE to ask.
WTF!?!
Since when did CHOOSING to be single and baby-free become an anathema? Since when did it become a life or 'kill yourself' issue!?!
I would have thought that in this day and age a single woman, providing for herself happily and positively in this hectic world would've be a shining star amongst the young and impressionable.
Come to think of it, one of the women that inspired me so much was my widowed teacher who raised 3 children on her own single-handedly.
She was my inspiration...not my fear!
(Well, except for the 'children' part, of course!)
Well, I've never been one to succumb to peer pressure.
Generally I'm so ornery that I'll do the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing anyway.
I do so without excuse or regret.
After all...I know that I'm not the only one who chooses this!
I celebrate everyone that has a happy, child-filled marriage...I cheer everyone who marries and decides NOT to have children.
I wish happiness to everyone else in whatever lifestyle they may choose.
I know that I'm doing okay... despite the prejudice that unmarried women 'of a certain age' continue to have to put up with.
43 comments:
Good lord, I almost snorted my wine out my nose!! Out of the mouths of babes, I say; hopefully that young girl will grow up, wise up, and be mortified at her silly words some day. Tsk. Sigh.
That infant doesn't realize how fast time flies and that if she also wants a career it'll take some serious juggling to have it "all." Good luck to her. Argh, it makes me mad!
Amen!
I know exactly what you are talking about. If someone hears me say I don’t like babies, they look at me like I’m the antichrist. I dated one guy that would say “Shhh!! they’ll hear” anytime I said in public something about not wanting kids. You'd think I liked kicking puppies.
Yep guys are bachelors at 40 and we are old maids. Not fair, but since when has anything pertaining to out sex been fair. But I guess for milliniums worth of repression, we have come pretty far. Maybe in another 1000 years women will REALLY get liberated.
You should lift your chin, squint your eyes, give her a look of pity, say "Tch Tch" sotto voce and brush her aside with a wave of your hand :-)
While not completely planned, I am SO glad I was not connected at the hip to a man or child during my 20s. Your co-worker is probably dissatified with her own company and thinks marriage and children will fulfill her. It might. It might not. Sounds like she's got some growing up to do.
I think that stigma is taking longer to die than a lot of people think. When I was growing up, marriage and children were the most important measures of success (wealth fell behind them, education was just a means to wealth, and happiness wasn't a consideration). Whenever I went to my home town, my best friend's mother always asked if I was married yet. When I said no, she proudly reminded me that her son had been married and had a daughter - the fact that he was now nearing 40, divorced, and living back home didn't seem to matter.
My grandmother always asked the same thing once I turned 18. She tried to console me (as if I was unhappy at being unmarried and childless) by saying "Don't let it bother you. You're cousin didn't get married until he was almost thirty." The last bit she whispered like it was a family scandal.
Marriage and Children has it moments: Let me be the first to agree to that! (notice that from that line you can't tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing?)
Single life also has its moments!
It all boils down to judgement in my mind. Everyone should feel free to do what they choose and not be looked at differently by others for choosing what they have.
Whether it be choosing to be single, choosing not to have kids, choosing to be gay, etc. it is in essence each persons choice - that should be respected by those around them irregardles of whether it is agreed with or not.
Sounds like your coworker is spouting off and really just looking for attention. (Which you ended up giving her by the sounds of it). people like this that talk about extremes usually have bigger problems to worry about, so you did good to walk away....
Something weird happened to this post...forgive me the large text!
Hopefully it'll fix itself by the time I get around to another one!
In your coworker's defense, I think she was being tactless, but probably not on purpose. Certainly I don't think she was trying to imply that you should kill yourself. Also, if she's 23, she's probably pretty prone to hyperbole and shouldn't be taken too seriously. (I know, I'm younger than she is--and also very fond of exaggeration, so don't take me too seriously either. lol)
Either way, it was incredibly tactless of her.
That is funny stuff. Some people still more traditional and archiac beliefs about marriage and children.
You know what? It's ALL good. Whatever you want for yourself is what you want. But to take it that far, feeling like a miserable failure if it doesn't happen by a certain age is just crazy.
You got the right idea about this stuff. You have inspired me, now where ya think I can ditch this old fart and these bratty ass kids? ;)
Live your life for you, and never listen to anyone under 30, it only makes your head hurt.
Lois Lane
I feel the need to clarify that I'm though older than Tai, I'm not necessarily in the single world by choice. I love babies and want all that someday, but I still hate feeling like a spinster for not having it YET.
I could leave a post-length comment about this. Instead, I'll just say THANK YOU!
It would have been nice if I had had a choice - somehow those babies just appeared without much planning...! Who knows how my life would have shaped up if they hadn't made such an early appearance. But since they DID appear early (I was 19 when they started) now I have time to figure it all out for myself. I think you are admirable to have refrained from the baby train :-)
Follow your heart baby! No need to justify it, you aren't hurting anyone! And as a post-script. A sure fire way to NOT have a husband and kids by 30 is DEMANDING it happens! LOL, its when you aren't trying that they wrestle your life away... and she WILL be a spinster because she wants something that isn't hers. You are a bachelorette, a free woman, a-table-for-one-at-a-delightful-streetside-cafe-in-Rome-in-Springtime-with-a-fine-glass-of-wine-with-the-world-at-your-fingertips, that's what you are!
Jeesh! I admire the way in which you didn't smack that girl upside the head and knock her into next Tuesday!
(I thought the larger text was on purpose -- you know, for emphasis, and accompanied with a shaking fist.)
You never know what life is going to through at you, and it is funny hearing what a young'un has to say about age, and being married with kids by a certain stage. Who can ever predict when that "right" person comes along!! For me it is all about enjoying the current state of affairs, be it single or together... yet another reason to be glad that I am well out of my 20s!
I hate labels, and stereotypes that are perpetuated by stupid people.
Why are certain events perceived as they should happen in a life by a certain stage otherwise something must be wrong? Why does everyone have to be on the same page? Give me diversity any day - I am so glad I seem to have done most things in life ass backwards, I have had a great time doing it that way!
Ohh bah eh?
She'll find out...yes she will and then she'll cringe in shame,every time she remembers the words she said to you!
The bitch! But seriously, my dear friend, I think you're doing just splendidly. You're dynamic, very interesting, multi-faceted and a hell of a lot more fun than any baby obsessed brain-dead stay at home mother. I like, and have always liked women with pizzazz. Wendy never had a child, and has been oftimes asked if she felt a lack in her life. "Not for a moment," is her normal reply. Anyway, unlike some of our contemporaries, we don't have to worry about sending some ungrateful kid through college. We are free to travel, live and love -- just like you. Hooray for you.
Hey Tai.
I like that you know who you are and what you want out of life. That should be an inspiration to your young friend.
Take care out there!
Your Pal,
Zambo.
Hi Tai
I hope this doesn't come off sounding too mean but it sounds like desparation, fear, and willingness to settle for any man that would ask her "the question" to me...
Of course Tai if you ever changed your mind the server that contains your blogsite would probably crash from all the offers from guys...:)
can't say the same for her...
Your Choices are your own and for no others to judge...
Thanks for stopping by my blog. You are right. There is so much power in being in charge of your own happiness and not being on a timetable. I've always gone by that philosophy. Sometimes I just have to be reminded.
(I think the ex showing up at a b'day party with new g'frind last night, followed by large amts. of wine and sappy music didn't help - ha.) Ahhh - moments of weakness.
Tai- You should have asked your co-worker if you could have the chance to kill her yourself if she makes it to 33 without marriage and children.
AMEN!! I was married once and it would take a lot for me to do it again. Although I love my boy to death, I am absolutely fine living together ... with no kids and no plans to have them!!
well, that is a very strange co-worker you have, i just don't know what else to say...but what i find so amazing that not much has changed in 40 years, i mean attitudes of "a woman's place in the world" and how sad for that young woman who, in this day and age, has such a limited sence of what life can offer her...but women like her, do they really want children, or are the children just part of the "package" (and how sad is that for the children?)...
of course, you could have told her, should she NOT be married with children by the time she reaches 33, there are DOZENS of Spinning and Weaving Guilds around that she could join...then she could be a real Spinster - at least she would be doing something useful and wouldn't have to off herself as you so graciously put it!!! - what a silly girl she is -
Tai thankyou..Very well said..^5!
Tai, omigosh, can this world get any smaller. You must have been very young when Roddy Haig-Brown died. You know, he and my Dad died on the same day in 1976....!
You and I probably work in the same building... this is such a small world :-)
Please don't kill yourself. You are still a BABY yourself at 33. The world is your oyster. Eat it up.
Josie
Whata with the idea that having babies is such a noble task anyway...inbred hicks from Arkansas can have babies...choosing not to is just as valid (try telling that to all my baby toting friends)...anyway as a side note the name of the operation with the jets is "Trident Fury" and I suspect that there are mutherfucking snakes on thiose drone planes.
I enjoyed this post, sorry I'm late.
The reason I'm single quite simply is that you can't make something happen, not something that special. I do think alot of people go in for compromise or fool themsleves, but I want more. There are possibilities in my life right of something much more permanent
;-)
But I'm careful consideration type.
But it's easier for me, having done the motherhood thing. It's the same though. Make sure you can't live without him before you commit.
Tell her she should change profession, crack whores get knocked up all the time. Must be all that riding bareback.
screw 'em. i hate when people assume that your not right if your not married or with children. my best friend is single and 38. she's decided she hasn't found mr right and no longer wishes to look for him. she's decided to have a baby though before her next b day. i support her 100%. do what you like, not what others expect!!
It's great to read other's posts about these things. I feel the same way, but unfortunately I'm the only one around here (in my group of friends) that does.
At least in bloggy land, I'm not alone!
GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT post Tai!!! whooopie!!
What an ass she was! Let's all keep our fingers crossed that she wises up and puts some brains in that airhead of hers before she becomes a momma!
Congrats on the award today :)
Well good for you! And congrats on a Perfect Post!
Funny post! Your co-worker is extremely rude.
Congrats on your award!
Funny - I kinda feel the same way when people say to me about being a stay at home Mom "Oh I could NEVER do that, I feel like I need to go out and make a difference in the world" as if mothering wasn't my planned and chosen profession.
People are so ignorant sometimes.
~I wonder what she'll be after her kids grow up and move out? Probably just sad.
Great post! my wife and I (11 yrs)are constantly bombarded with the whenareyoutwogoingtohavekids? inquisition. she reminds everyone that i'm child enough for her, thank you.
what more could anyone want except to be happy with your choices in life? if co-workers, family, associates can't see that, well, too bad,too sad for them.
ms
Finally someone who says how i feel! I am 33 without a boyfriend and have no children. I am making my way in a country which is perfect for men and although i feel okay about things i wonder if i have missed the boat. However i would rather be married and be with someone who is right for me then for being frightened of being by myself. Kids well i dont love them but when i have my own i will.
Okay so 33 single well life is for living and boy would you really want to spend the majority of your life with the wrong person? If you want to get married you will and it will happen it takes time. When i was 23 i thought 33 was old but it isnt and why worry about this time is precious lets enjoy the youth we have we are not old!
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