Being happily childless, going to a baby shower is like having a piranha give you oral sex, i.e. it's painful.
Guaranteed things will occur:
1. Several annoying hags will ask you, "So when are YOOOOOOOOOOU going to have a baby? Hmmm?", as they look disapprovingly over the tops of their glasses.
These same hags will shake their heads sadly when you inform them, "I would rather dip my face in acid then have my crotch ripped open by a head the size of a pumpkin, thank you."
2. You will be forced to play insipid games such as "Decorate Someone with Toilet Paper", or "The Clothespin Game". If you're a woman, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a man, get on your knees and thank jeebus you have a penis.
3. You will have to eat finger sandwiches. Okay, this shower is at lunch time, therefore I want food. I don't want watercress and air sandwiches with a side of jordan almonds, mmmkay?
4. You will have to sit through the opening of 5000 presents, each one of which will be held up for the requisite "oooh" or "aaah".
Word to the wise, don't drunkenly yell out, "That headband is going to make your daughter look like she has a garter on her head and is heading out to a baby prom." This is frowned upon.
5. You will have to sit through hours of what I like to call "Delivery Horror Story Porn". This is where every mother at the shower will give you the story of all their deliveries in 3D Technicolor. "I tore from front to back! 35 stitches!" "I delivered a placenta the size of a Labrador Retriever!" "My kid was stuck in the birth canal for 72 hours, she had a conehead!" "My boobs deflated after I stopped nursing and now they look like windsocks!"
When they see the look of complete repugnance on your face, they will try to convince you that - "It's a beautiful experience!"
"You forget the pain!"
"You'll never understand anything in this world or be a complete person unless you experience it!"
Alcohol should be served mandatorily at baby showers. Since it's not, be sure to bring your flask. Personally, I would rather watch the 49'ers lose for the millionth time than go to another shower, but since I have a vagina, I'm sure I'll be forced to attend many more.
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1 comment:
HI Tai, dropped by and read some of your posts. had a good laugh through this one and being an indian, the whole pregnancy-delivery thing doubles with the great marriage business. while every other "aunty" will recount horror stories of failed marriages, cheating partners, etc, the next question they pop is, "so, my dear, when are you getting married?"
some sadistic pleasure there, i tell you!
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