We all do it, to some degree or other.
It's so EASY to do.
To judge someone.
To take a look at their exterior presentation and base our reaction, decision, judgement on that alone.
The other day while at the gym a young woman well she wasn't that young came in strutted in did a turn about the gym and then left thank goodness she left, I wouldn't want to have to stare at THAT all day
She was not very tall, and she had a rather stocky build with tits pushed up high enough to rest her chin on She was wearing a smallish gray sports bra and black tracks pants on which the waistband had been rolled down so that we could witness for ourselves the fact that she had a pubic bone and a butt crack
And she had a tan! All of her was the same gleaming brown, top to toe guess she's some one's idea of beautiful but she looks rather harsh maybe she didn't look at herself in the mirror before she left maybe she's trolling for something I think her pants are going to fall off
AND ON AND ON that nasty little voice in my head kept spewing ugly thoughts until I almost had to literally cry, "Cut it out!"
When did I become so judgemental and catty?
This is NOT the person I want to be.
Blargh.
So I'm trying to curb that.
It's not easy though.
I see the world through my perceptions, misconceptions and beliefs. The way I do things is the best way. It's difficult to view something that is alien to my strongly-held notions and be able see it as 'okay' and 'acceptable'.
I thought maybe thinking to myself, "What an interesting way to dress", or "That's a unique approach to manners" might help, but those are still judgements, aren't they?
So how to get around that.
Perhaps simply ignoring things that don't fit my beliefs is the way to approach the situation?
Whatever works I suppose.
I just want that horrid, judgemental voice to stop whispering in my ear because sooner or later it turns it's baleful proclamations on me and and I don't fare any better.
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21 comments:
What an excellent self-examining post.. and it's written very cleverly. That was really well done.
I'm right there with you on it too. It's something that I fussed at my children for doing and of course they pointed out how often I do it myself. Ever since then I have been trying to watch out for it and stop myself, unfortunately I think it is such an ingrained part of most people that we do it without even realizing it.
I've gotten much better about it, still not enough though so I just keep on trying.
It's hard. I think we're human and therefore can't undo this thing you're describing. Patience with oneself, and intention to be compassionate with all humans.
Actually, it's all right to judge someone by what you see, when that's all you know of them. Appearance is usually a concious choice, even for those who don't care what their appearance is.
The crime is to base all future interactions on that impression. Should you ever get to know that woman, let all your interctions either reinforce or contradict that impression, as the case may be.
It's hard to stop yourself from thinking a first impression, isn't it? I do it myself sometimes and then feel bad about it.
But just try to keep your thoughts about ME flattering to my ego, ok dearie? :)
Hi Tai
You can't have the good without the bad, that goes for thoughts as well. Suppress one and you suppress the other. The important thing is knowing the difference and knowing you are still a good person even with those thoughts. You may not like them but they are still a part of you and it's your conscience that makes you understand the difference...
Hey Tai, don't worry, you are just being human. A study has shown that in an interview, the idea the interviewer has of you is made in the first minute. What is important is what you do with it, which means stepping back and reserving judgment until you have more input. Sometimes your first impression is wrong but then again it is often pretty much on the mark. (Probably the subconscious at work). ;o)
It seems like the comments here have pretty much hit the mark - it is a part of you (of everyone), but that doesn't mean it controls you. Hopefully nothing does.
After all, it is not who we are on the inside, but what we do that defines us (Holy cow...I just quoted Batman!)
I think, no matter what we do, for good or bad, that little voice with its first impression is going to ring through our heads -- honestly, I'd hate to meet someone and hear only silence. A first impression means someone's made an impression, and zut alors, I hope people think somethingabout me when they see me, because it means they've noticed me!
(Yeah, that's right, it's my butt crack. Fabulous, isn't it!)
Like Blackcrag pointed out before me, it's what we do with those first impressions that is good or ill. We've probably developed first impressions as a survival skill, a primative way to judge a stranger as friendly or hostile before they have a chance to attack, and I'd hate to see you squash that little voice in your brain (who is doubtlessly witty and wickedly delightful) when it can be, on rare occasions, a very useful measure.
My take on that is if it's amusing to you, have a chuckle on move on. You're not hurting anyone. Yeah it would be different in a job interview situation or some other type of situation requiring serious interaction with this person, but for random encounters, have a good laugh. And yes I also laugh at myself just as hard: I hit my head on a doorknob the other day and wondered how many able-bodied, 5'4" 45-year-olds have ever hit their head on a doorknob while vacuuming.
First impressions do make an impact on most of us. We try to make a judgement and slot people into categories. I don't know how not to do that. But what I do know is that if I didn't temper that with the thought that you can't always judge a book by its cover, then I would have missed out on some very good friends. Give them an opportunity to prove you wrong!
Well, after reading the comments, what more to say?
What they said.
Aw -- but Tai, if you hadn't gone there we wouldn't have had the vibrant description of her in all her pushed-up tits and tan glory. I had a vivid image (it didn't turn me on, by the way). Anyway, a person who sports herself like that does it to call attention to herself, and she did. Who says attention must be positive?
Great blog and don't be too harsh on yourself.
Ian
Me too! I mean, catty judgments are flying around in my head before I can check them.... I am appalled at myself!
I understand its natural, but we don't have to like it.
Far too many "muffin tops" walking the streets these days...whatever happened to our Victorian sensibilities.
Unless they're hot...then its fine.
I wish that more people were more like you! You sound like a good person and I have no doubt you are not as judgemental as you describe yourself. Anyone who wants to avoid that type of behavior is most certainly on the right track! You are! :-)
I read a book not to long ago called "Blink" and it talks about how quickly we all make snap judgements about pretty much everything. Interesting stuff and very difficult to turn off.
As for the girl at the gym, well if she left the house like that I am sure she wanted people to make judgements about her.
Guess that is one of our goals in life-to not be so judgmental or make preconceived assumptions. Each person and every event in our lives are different and should always be approached with new eyes. Kudos Tai for realizing your mistake. As you hint payback is a bitch... :)
Like Kimber touched on, it's human nature to pick out and ridicule those who are different from us. That's where racism comes from, and I think that no matter how far we advance as a people, the ugly feelings deep inside can ever go away.
Hmm... This comment's kind of a downer.
Wait--you mean it's not okay to talk shit about people inside our own heads?
No, I know what you mean. I think everyone does. At least your not in denial.
Tai, I think we all struggle with that. We're such an image conscious society. Everyone projects and image, and everyone is judged. That girl was projecting an image that was a bit less than wholesome, and your natural reaction to it was... natural. Sometimes when we get past the exterior and get to know a person, we don't see the image anymore, so we don't judge them. But until we get to know them, it's a natural instinct to react the way you did, and everyone does it, so don't beat yourself up.
Josie
"which the waistband had been rolled down so that we could witness for ourselves the fact that she had a pubic bone and a butt crack"
I have one of those at my gym and she's a regular..You described her perfectly..Tan, butt crack ( not that I'm looking but it's not hard to miss..>
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